I thought I could stop watching pornography. Or at least limit how much and what kind of pornography I consumed. I tried to quit more times than I could count, but wherever I went, pornography was like a massive magnet pulling me in, and I had no resistance.
In bookstores, I'd find myself gravitating towards series and social media that "happened" to contain provocative or explicit content. I'd watch the latest Oscar-nominated movies only to be blindsided by graphic sex scenes. Should I have walked out? What would people think?
Pornography felt inescapable, and I started believing everyone was watching it. My friends, my favourite TV characters, and my girlfriend at the time thought it was normal to watch porn. I even thought I saw my dad sneaking a glance on his phone.
But deep down, I felt awful. The content I was consuming was degrading and humiliating. I had sworn I'd never go down this road, yet here I was. This wasn’t who I wanted to be.
The guilt and shame were overwhelming. I'd use pornography to feel better, but it only made me feel worse. My confidence was shattered. I couldn't back myself in anything I did and didn't even like myself. People saw me as friendly, spiritual, a leader, and an example to follow, but I was living a double life.
It was exhausting to keep up the pretence. It was easier to hide in my bedroom, away from my family, friends, and life overall. Isolating made things simpler. I didn't have to pretend when I was alone.
When friends asked me to go out, I'd lie about needing to work on a project. When my mom asked why I spent so much time in my room, I'd lie about having deadlines. These were just two of many stories I fabricated. What if others found out? What would they think of me?
My ability to control my pornography consumption felt like it was slipping. I knew I was spending way too much time on my phone. I was losing interest in tennis, my favourite sport, and my girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend didn't want to be with someone who was losing himself, someone she couldn’t recognise anymore.
I remember reading a passage from Romans that struck a deep chord within me: "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing" (Romans 7:18-19, NIV). I could relate all too well. Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just stop?
My life was spiralling out of control, and I felt trapped. I started to wonder if I was addicted to pornography. If so, how could I stop it before it got even worse?
Recently, I found out that there is help available - the Vantage Pornography Recovery Programme offers a lifeline. This programme is helping me break free from the grip of pornography addiction and reclaim my life. I am realising that pornography addiction is more common than I thought and many men struggle with it. I am starting to see that recovery isn't about not watching porn, but rather, but rather about completely changing the way that I live. I am rediscovering my life and I like the person I am becoming.
It started with me doing an assessment, realising and accepting that I was addicted and that I needed help.
Take that first step with our free assessment today to see where you stand. Start your journey to freedom from pornography addiction. Rediscover life beyond the screen.
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